Two Months

Today is the 2 month "anniversary" of the deaths of my dad and my nephew.

Anniversary. What a horrible word. To me, anniversary means something to celebrate. My nephew drowning and my dad dying, trying to save him, is nothing to celebrate.
My 9 year old son watching it all unfold is nothing to celebrate. Almost losing my mom, as she tried to save Dad and Ethan, is nothing to celebrate.
My sister losing her only child is definitely nothing to celebrate.
Isn't there another word that can be used? I'm going to research that.

We (Mom and I) had company last night. People that have been friends for a long long time. I find that I'm ok with family. With friends, however, I feel very detached. Maybe I'm not ready to be "out and about" any more than the 8 hours I'm at work.

One thing I have realized since the trauma of that day...my relationship with God has changed. For a long time, I was so far removed from Him. I've since realized that God knows, from the time of conception, the day that we will die. He isn't able to stop our dying nor is He able to control how we live our lives. He gives us free will and we use what we have to try to live our lives to the fullest...or, totally screw up what He gives us and become total failures. If they hadn't stopped at Lake Michigan that day to swim, something else (car accident, a plane crashing into their vehicle, etc.) would have taken them because it WAS THEIR DAY TO GO.
Not once have I felt anger at God. I've felt anger at the circumstances of the "accident".
Since that day, I have felt a "closeness" to God. I understand that my dad and nephew were such wonderful, loved, loving people here on Earth that God needed them to prepare for the battle He foresaw (and is depicted in Revelations). Who better than my dad and my nephew and the goodness of their souls to prepare the way for our eventual welcome to Heaven?

Knowing that, though, I still miss them horribly. Some days the pain is almost overwhelming. Other days, it's like I'm in a dream zone. I'm GOING to wake up and find this entire thing has been the worst kind of nightmare.

Reality hits and I have to take a deep breath. It IS the worst kind of nightmare...and we are living it.