Tomorrow is the first day of school.
My 10 year old is having a rough time. He just flat out does not want to go to school. So, I started thinking about all the first days of school I had and remember, distinctly, feeling the same way.
I hated school....there wasn't one thing in all my years that I enjoyed about it. I remember wishing that I could stay home...it wasn't until later that I learned about homeschooling.
So, now I have to deal with the same thing my parents had to deal with. The belly aches, headaches, toothaches, earaches.....etc. Anything to use as an excuse to stay home where I was most comfortable and felt like I belonged.
I totally understand what my son is going through.
Then, I started thinking of "Firsts"....
After August 15, 2009, we had a whole year of "Firsts" to get through.
Connor's first day of school after Grandpa and Ethan died was filled with changes....
1. Grandpa and Ethan died (which Connor witnessed)
2. Burying two very integral members of our family
3. Connor starting 4th grade at a new school (our district moves kids from elementary to a bigger school beginning in 4th grade)
4. Making the decision to sell our house and move in with Grandma
5. Getting rid of Connor's dog and cat and half of our household
6. September 27, Grandma's first birthday without her soulmate
7. November - First Thanksgiving without Grandpa and Ethan
8. December - First Christmas without Grandpa and Ethan
9. January - First New Year without Grandpa and Ethan......
The list of "Firsts" is endless.
It was a year of "Firsts". Everyone told us..."the firsts are the worst...."
Well, what about the "Seconds"???? As far as I'm concerned, so far the seconds aren't any better.
Tomorrow would have been Ethan's first day as a senior.
See? It's neverending.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
A new year
It has been a year since we lost Dad and Ethan. I haven't posted in quite awhile. To be perfectly honest, I haven't done much of anything. I haven't wanted to.
I finally made a visit to a new doctor and have been diagnosed with moderate to severe depression and am on some medication. In a month, I hope that I will notice a difference.
The past year has been, frankly, a bitch. I have been guilty of trying to force my mom, son, sister, and brother-in-law to accept that 2 integral members of our family are gone. Because, I've accepted it...right???
That is a big negative. I feel nothing. No tears...no sadness...just emptiness. I keep wondering when that's going to break free?
From the beginning, I needed to be the strong one to hold everyone together...not just my mom, son, sister, and brother-in-law but the extended family, as well. I had to stay strong for those moments when others fell apart.
Then, in April, Mom, Mary (a really good friend of ours), and I attended the Women of Faith Conference in Columbus, OH. The conference began Friday and ran through Saturday evening. After the Friday session, I was drained completely and hoped Mom and Mary wouldn't want to attend the Friday evening session.
They, too, felt the same way and we opted to sit in the hotel room and reflect.
That weekend, I cried and realized that I missed my dad and Ethan so much that I was afraid to show exactly how much.
I also realized that WOF was something that I would like to do. With my renewed relationship with God, I can use the story of our tragedy to bring understanding, acceptance, and peace to other women who have suffered through events such as ours.
I continue to read the Bible. We've found a wonderful church, Mt. Hope, in Gaylord. We've met and listened to wonderful pastors. My sister is in "counseling" of a sort with one of the pastor's and we've all seen a difference.
We all have a closer, more loving relationship with each other and with our family.
Every day poses a different challenge. Life goes on whether we want it to or not. Things change and we change with it.
But, it's a new year.
I finally made a visit to a new doctor and have been diagnosed with moderate to severe depression and am on some medication. In a month, I hope that I will notice a difference.
The past year has been, frankly, a bitch. I have been guilty of trying to force my mom, son, sister, and brother-in-law to accept that 2 integral members of our family are gone. Because, I've accepted it...right???
That is a big negative. I feel nothing. No tears...no sadness...just emptiness. I keep wondering when that's going to break free?
From the beginning, I needed to be the strong one to hold everyone together...not just my mom, son, sister, and brother-in-law but the extended family, as well. I had to stay strong for those moments when others fell apart.
Then, in April, Mom, Mary (a really good friend of ours), and I attended the Women of Faith Conference in Columbus, OH. The conference began Friday and ran through Saturday evening. After the Friday session, I was drained completely and hoped Mom and Mary wouldn't want to attend the Friday evening session.
They, too, felt the same way and we opted to sit in the hotel room and reflect.
That weekend, I cried and realized that I missed my dad and Ethan so much that I was afraid to show exactly how much.
I also realized that WOF was something that I would like to do. With my renewed relationship with God, I can use the story of our tragedy to bring understanding, acceptance, and peace to other women who have suffered through events such as ours.
I continue to read the Bible. We've found a wonderful church, Mt. Hope, in Gaylord. We've met and listened to wonderful pastors. My sister is in "counseling" of a sort with one of the pastor's and we've all seen a difference.
We all have a closer, more loving relationship with each other and with our family.
Every day poses a different challenge. Life goes on whether we want it to or not. Things change and we change with it.
But, it's a new year.
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