I have been divorced for a long time. In these last 10 years, I didn't date at all. Part of that was trying to get over the hurt of the divorce. The other reason was because...there's no one here to date!
So, I pushed the idea of dating behind me. If I didn't think about it...I could imagine I wasn't as lonely as I was.
In the last couple of years, though, I realized...I AM lonely! I want to be a part of a couple. Not just a couple...a loving couple! I want to be able to go home at night and have someone there who I can talk to..who knows when I'm having a bad day...who wakes up to my bed head and no make up and cranky-ass-before-my-first-cup-of-coffee attitude and can still see me as the love of his life.
Understandably, we all go into a new relationship with baggage. I made a conscious effort to try and leave my baggage at the door. I can't let my past hurts dictate how I react to a new relationship. Not only is that unfair to the man I meet...it's unfair to me. How will I experience the true relationship with my soulmate if I am forever worried he will treat me as my ex did?
Well...after searching for singles sites online, I settled for a free one. It's a pretty active site...chat rooms, forums, searches, etc...and I joined.
I have now been in a "correspondence-getting to know you-testing the waters" relationship with a man.
Part of me wonders...is he too good to be true? I realize that I am only sabotaging myself. See...no matter how hard I try to convince myself, that baggage will be part of my life until it's proven to me that I won't be hurt again. Realistically, I KNOW it's not fair to this man. Realistically, HE knows it's not fair...but, HE'S doing the same thing with me after a particularly bad divorce.
To top it off, he's one of those brave men who are fighting for the U.S. overseas. Sometimes, he's not very forthcoming and, while I understand he probably CAN'T say anything...there's that stupid little voice in the back of my skull that's asking, 'what is he hiding..is he really who he says he is?'
He asked if we could forego writing to anyone else to see where a possible relationship will go. I want to say yes...I have such great vibes from him and our talks and letters. But, what if I'm setting myself up again???
Relationships are so difficult. I remember growing up thinking it would be so easy to fall in love, get married, and be together forever. TV, movies, and books made it seem inevitable. When my teen years passed without a boyfriend...I think I started to get disillusioned with the whole concept of love. Then...my 20's left me with an abusive relationship...again, who wants to bother when that's what you deal with. My marriage was another relationship that collapsed before it started. He will admit that most of the problem was him...I can be adult enough to understand where I went wrong.
So....going into a new, potentially loving and understanding relationship is exciting and scary. I don't want to be hurt again. Yet, if I sit back and let life pass me by, I'll end up one of those lonely old women who only has her cats for company.
So....it's up to me to decide what my next steps are. This man could be my soulmate...that person who won't care that I'm crabby in the morning. Maybe he'll bring me that first cuppa in bed....and snuggle with me regardless of that bed head.
Relationships...why do they have to be soooooooooooo confusing!?!
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